I seem to go through moments when I totally doubt myself. Don't know what brings this on, maybe the time of year or day or anything.
I made my first ever Lemon Meringue Pie today. We'll see how it tastes tonight. But as I was waiting for my egg whites to stiffen for the meringue, I felt so entirely conflicted, and I wasn't sure why. I guess it's just that I feel like I don't have any plans, that I don't know what is going to happen next, that I feel like I don't know what path I'm on, or even if I'm on a path.
And yet I know God has been taking me down the exact path that he wants me to be on. Even if I make stupid choices and go down a particular fork that he'd rather I didn't take, he is still there with me ready to help me deal with the darkness that I am bound to encounter.
The point being, while I was making the pie, I was in the moment. I was mixing the shortening and butter into the flour and salt, working the dough with my bare hands, whisking the lemon mixture in the pan as it thickened, adding the egg yolks to give it the color and richness. And I loved every moment of it.
Then, almost like the beater in the mixing bowl, as it spun around in it's circles, my mind began to circle. The whole "What are you doing with your life" type question popping up.
I love to cook, I love to bake, I love growing flowers and embroidering and making costumes and writing and reading and all of these things that makes me who I am. And yet, I sometimes feel that I am missing something. That I'm not doing something that I should be. And then my brain whirls me into the doubts and fears. And perhaps that is the root of everything. Fear.
I have been working towards a positive change in my life. For the first time I am training to run in a 5K race. I would never have even thought this was something that I wanted to do before. But now, I almost look forward to my time on the treadmill (It's been too cold to run outside just yet), it's a time to decompress and expel what seems to be a negative energy. I have found though, in the last two weeks, that someone or something is attempting to keep me from these times. Mostly they have not succeeded. For which I am thankful.
But I wonder, this thing that I want, to be healthy, to bring down my blood pressure, to be happy, to enjoy life to the fullest, to live each day as if it were a miracle, to see the little every day miracles. Are these things too far beyond my grasp to reach for? I doubt it. And so I keep on trying. Even if I don't have the slightest clue what I am going to do when my contract expires at the end of the Summer of 2015, even if I have no idea where I am going to be going or who I will be going with.
Either way it will be an adventure, right? And I know who will be walking alongside of me. All I have to do is still my mind and listen to the whisper, the one that reminds me of the joy that I felt as I created that pie. He know what to tell me and where I should go.
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